Saturn and I Are On A Mission

It's January 6th, 2015. It's the first day back at work after a nearly 2-week long vacation. I'm reading my horoscope for 2015 on Refinery 29 (you know, that website that we all get our news, advice, entertainment and of course, horoscopes from on the reg) and it tells me that 2015 marks Saturn's 3 year mission to get me healthy. So, as any intelligent and educated female would do, I take it immediately to heart and buy a 1-day "Standard Cleanse" from Greenhouse Juice Co. I feel healthier already. And $71 poorer. Here's what happened next...

The Day Of

Greenhouse recommends eating super clean and eliminating basically all of the food with the exception of fruits, veggies and water the days leading up to the cleanse. (Semi-exaggerating here but like, not really at all). Naturally, I decide to order my cleanse around 5pm the day before I want to do it and I have already eaten most of my meals for the day. Needless to say, I have consumed far more than the recommended fruits, veggies and water. In an attempt to redeem myself, I make a healthy dinner of raw kale salad with green onion zucchini avocado chick peas and pumpkin seeds massaged with a homemade dressing of olive oil, apple cider vinegar, grainy mustard, lemon juice and ground black pepper and served with a side of roasted yams and mushrooms. Sounds super clean and annoying as fuck right? See, I can totally do this! 

Cut to 3 Lindt chocolates later because I'm weak and cannot survive the day without sugar and/or a glass of sauv blanc. The harrowing effects of heavily over-indulging during the holidays, so what? Can I live?

My hope is this 1-day juice cleanse will give me the strength, mental clarity and motivation needed to get back into clean eating and help jumpstart Saturn's mission. The cleanse consists of 6 juices and 2 shots. Ready? Set? Go. See you at the finish line.

7:00am: The lovely Greenhouse driver Ben drops off my cleanse. The customer service is outstanding. After snoozing my alarm three times, I emailed Ben and asked when I could expect him (this would help determine whether or not I could afford an extra snooze or two). He responded within ten minutes advising he would be at my apartment in 30-45 minutes. I snoozed three more times. Thank God for Ben.

7:30am: First up: Clean Zing. A mix of alkaline water, lemon, maple syrup and liquid cayenne. I've tried most of Greenhouse's juices before but never this one. I'm running late so I drink the juice on the subway. It packs a serious punch. Though it's listed as the last ingredient, the cayenne does not go unnoticed. The first few sips leave my mouth on fire but once I get used to the taste, it goes down easily and is actually quite enjoyable.

8:00am: I stop at Starbucks and order a small black coffee, which is one of the foods they recommend eliminating during the cleanse but no coffee in the morning is just not something I'm down with so... c'est la vie. 

9:00am: East of Eden is one of my favourite juices from Greenhouse. It's a mix of romaine, kale, celery, apple and lemon. Most people I know turn up their nose at the thought of green juice but I'm one of those weirdos who actually likes the taste. I try to make my own green juice at home a few times a month but there's just something about having someone else make it for you and drop it off right at your doorstep in cute little glass bottles, you know? I plan to drink it at 9:00am but don't get around to cracking it open until closer to 10. East of Eden goes down easily and leaves me feeling pretty full. I'm a bit nervous for the E3 Live Booster...

11:00am: Okay. The E3 Live Booster comes in a small little glass jar (adorable) and is the colour of death - a blackish greenish hue (terrifying). I'm not going to say I'm a pro at taking shots, but I'm a pro at taking shots. The trick is to open up your throat and pour it straight down. I anticipated it tasting a lot worse than it did. It's basically a seaweed so it almost tastes like if you were to blend up those seaweed chips and drink the result. I realize that sounds awful but overall it really wasn't that bad.

2:30pm: I love lunch. It's what gets me through the morning because that means the work day is half over. Plus I like having my next meal to look forward to. Lunch today is not the same. It's The Good, another green juice consisting of romaine, spinach, cucumber, celery, lemon and himalayan salt. I'm sipping it among my co-workers who are eating everything from leftover dim sum to beef stew to chicken salad (and one poor soul who is eating a cabbage salad and surely feels my pain). I'm not feeling overly hungry at this point and am only slightly jealous of the plates of food around me.
I happily sip The Good, but god I really wish I could just CHEW something, you know? 

3:00pm: This is the part of my day I've been looking most forward to: the Choco-Almond Milk. It's made of Greenhouse's signature Almond Milk plus the addition of Cacao and Maca. Around 3:15 I head to the kitchen, feeling giddy and full of possibility to retrieve it. The first sip is heavenly. It's as if a chocolate milkshake and a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream had a baby. I want to bathe in it. I don't ever want it to end. I sip it slowly, so as to extend it's longevity. ...about 30 minutes later I'm still drinking. This stuff is not a joke. I'm feeling extremely full and I still have a quarter of the bottle left. I power through it because it's just. that. good. When I'm finished, I feel ready for a nap. (I didn't take a picture because I was too busy consuming it. Sorrynotsorry). 

5:00pm: Ah, the Aloe Booster. Where do I even begin? It's awful. I'm sorry, but it is. The consistency is what gets me. I shoot it back and feel like I'm swallowing a raw egg white. The aftertaste is unpleasant and I desperately chug the bottle of water on my desk. Around 5:30 I leave the office and can still taste it. Never, ever, EVER again.

7:00pm: I stop at the health food store on my way home to pick up a few things for the next few days of "clean eating". Buckwheat cereal, organic coconut oil, raw cacao nibs, some shredded coconut, a bunch of purple and golden beets and some organic quinoa. I get home around 7:30pm and head straight for the fridge. I'm a bit behind schedule due to my pit stop. At this point I'm hungry, but not starving. I drink Deep Roots - a blend of beets, carrot, apple, celery and lemon - as I prepare food for the weekend. Because of the beets, its consistency is thicker than that of today's other juices. When I finish it, I feel full.  

8:15pm: I'm still full from the Deep Roots. But it's getting late and I need to drink the Chia Hydrator to officially complete the day. This consists of alkaline water, chia seeds, maple syrup and lemon. It's cold and refreshing and the chia seeds make me feel like I'm chewing something. Kind of. Not really. I finish it around 8:45pm, brush my teeth, and hit the pillow.  

Overall

I had a significantly higher amount of energy than I did the day prior. My head felt clear and throughout the day I started to feel a lot less bloated and puffy. I never felt starved or deprived and I thoroughly enjoyed the taste of each juice. That being said, if I never have to do a raw aloe shot again, I'm pretty okay with it. 

I would chalk the entire thing up as a win for Saturn and the next 3 years of healthy living. Let's see how long I can keep it up.